10 Hilarious Lessons I Learned About Parenting From Stand-Up Comedians
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Babies cry to communicate: cueing us to feed them, change them, warm and cool them, give them rest, attention and companionship.
But an inconsolable, crying baby is torture. Literally.
This kind of sleep deprivation and constant exposure to babies’ screams are among psychological torture techniques banned by the United Nations, so calling the day to day experience of non-stop crying punishment is an understatement.
If you’re reading this, chances are you feel like your baby is crying harder, louder, longer or more frequently than before or than other babies.
The experience is hard for everyone, so soothing a crying baby means finding a solution that not only helps your baby but also provides relief to you.
My baby is full, has a clean diaper, is neither hot or cold and doesn’t want to sleep…
The U.S. National Library of Medicine outlines many reasons for excessive crying in babies from birth to six months that are relatively harmless and treatable conditions like diaper rash, constipation or the common cold.
It could also be a developmental phase which lacks a cure but that babies grow out of such as gassiness, colic, PURPLE crying, growth spurts or teething. Babies are also sensitive to medication and vaccinations.
But it never hurts to get a medical opinion!
If you feel like your baby’s crying is a sudden change coupled with a high temperature, vomiting or diarrhea, you should contact a medical professional. Possible persistent digestive issues such as excessive gassiness, reflux, GERD or a food allergy can also be diagnosed by your pediatrician according to KellyMom.
But if all of these possible reasons are ruled it, it could be what’s know as “colic.”
Colic is one of the most terrifying words to a new parent. The Mayo Clinic defines it as:
Persistent and inconsolable crying for (at least) three hours at a time, for (at least) three days a week, for three weeks or more in an otherwise perfectly healthy baby.
Other facts about colic include:
Overstimulation: Newborns are born without fully developed senses and have the ability to drown out the environment around them.
When babies begin to fully develop their sense of sight, smell, and sound, which happens to correlate with the typical onset of colic, many children find this introduction to the environment overwhelming.
Excessive Gassiness: Austin-based pediatrician, Dr. Ari Brown, explains that all babies are gassy because they eat around the clock producing endless gas. All babies need to pass this gas, but as Dr. Jennifer Shu, author of Food Fights: Winning The Nutritional Challenges of Parenthood Armed with Insight, Humor, and A Bottle of Ketchup explains that some babies have difficulty passing gas.
The telltale signs of this are excessive and pained fussing, squirming and pulling their legs up. If babies are relieved after passing gas, this also suggests that gas may be the culprit.
Infant Acid Reflux: Infant GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) can trigger colic as a result of an underdeveloped lower esophageal sphincter, which is the muscle that keeps stomach acid from flowing back up into the throat and mouth.
This can irritate the esophagus and cause pain. Symptoms include frequent spitting up, poor eating and irritability during and after feedings. GERD generally subsides by age one when baby is eating more solid foods.
Food Allergies and Sensitivities: Stomach pain may also be related to diet. In formula-fed babies, this can be due to an allergy to milk protein (lactose intolerance) and in some cases a reaction to the mother’s diet during breastfeeding. Avoid gas-causing cruciferous veggies (like cabbage, cauliflower, and broccoli), acidic citrus fruits or allergenic foods like dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts and fish.
Tobacco Exposure: While the connection is unclear, several studies have shown that babies exposed to smoke (like that from tobacco) either directly or from second-hand smoke, during pregnancy or as infants, were more likely to struggle with colic.
Dr. Lester uncovered that the diagnosis of colic and the dismissive nature of “Just hang in there!” often given to parents from pediatricians could be devastating to parents.
The effects of colic can be a trigger for postpartum depression (PPD), and without any help for the parents, a real danger exists of failure to forge a bond with the child that is essential to the child’s development.
While it’s easy for someone else to tell you that a few months is nothing in the grand scheme of your baby’s lifetime, it can be excruciating figuring out how to make it through tonight.
Or tomorrow. Or next week.
In cross-cultural research by Ian St. James-Roberts, a child psychologist at the University of London, and several researchers in England and Denmark, studies of parenting techniques from around the world found no significant differences between the occurrence and persistence of colic and parenting styles.
You are not the problem!
In fact, most of the soothing techniques, aids, and contraptions are modeled after you, as you are your baby’s most soothing device.
The upside of this is that you are available, portable, paid in full and have a lifetime warranty. You also don’t take up valuable space and aren’t a dreadful eyesore.
The last time babies felt safe and secure was inside you, and some just want back in that sacred, comfy space they trust: the womb. Therefore, many soothing techniques aim to recreate those sensations.
These soothing techniques can be useful to any crying baby, not just those struggling from colic! Any bouts of crying or excessive fussiness can be helped with soothing.
Rocking and Bouncing: One comforting technique involves rocking your baby in your arms in a bold, vigorous swinging motion with your feet hip distance apart, and your arms rounded widely in a barrel shape swinging them from side to side.
Baby Wearing: If the only place your baby can be comforted is in your arms, you may want your appendages back before they fall off. Baby wearing is one way your baby can be soothed not just by motion, but by the familiar smell and sound of your voice, and by experiencing the new sights and sounds of the world in the security of your presence. Did I mention you get your arms back?
Swings and Bouncers: You can find swings and bouncers that will create a soothing movement and are electrically powered, providing you with a much-needed break.
Good Vibrations: Many rockers, newborn nappers, and bassinets have a built in vibrating motion that can be turned on and off. Parents recreate this by placing their infant seat on appliances like a dryer (with caution and supervision!) or by driving around the block with the baby in the car seat.
Swaddling: That tight, comforting space inside you that kept them feeling snug and secure can be recreated through swaddling to help soothe and make them sleep longer.
Sucking: Both WebMD and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) insist that there’s nothing wrong with giving a newborn a pacifier. Some children have strong sucking needs and are quickly soothed by a pacifier.
Pacifiers not only reduce the risk of SIDS but can ease reflux by satisfying the need to suck instead of the excessive filling of their stomachs. Babies can learn to suck as a self-soothing technique which can help them regulate their emotional reactions.
Most babies give up the pacifier on their own around the seventh month. If yours doesn’t, don’t worry. The AAP says it’s unlikely to harm their development. In a pinch, you can also use your finger (but for your baby’s sake, please wash it first).
Special Bath Time: A warm bath in a snug baby tub can also soothe babies especially when they become part of a set routine, such as at bedtime, which can soothe a crying infant to sleep. Lavender, vanilla, chamomile and rose are soothing scents that can also help with sleep. Scented baby bath products and lotions can be a nice addition to your routine to help calm your baby because newborns have an especially sensitive sense of smell.
Sound: Babies aren’t used to silence. They remember the constant noise of your heart beat, blood rushing through your body and gurgling of your stomach. Providing white noise also blocks out other sources of stimulation that might be causing your baby stress. You can make white noise yourself by shushing loudly, continuously and close to your baby’s ear.
Babies are often comforted by the sound of appliances like vacuum cleaners, hair dryers, and other noisy appliances. Your baby may also respond to the sound of water while you shower or wash dishes. White noise machines are available but have become somewhat controversial in that they may not work, create dependency or be dangerously loud. So make sure the one you decide on works for your baby. (Or you.) There are also several
So make sure the one you decide on works for your baby. (Or you.) There are also several apps that provide different soothing sounds you can experiment with that you can play from your smart phone over a Bluetooth speaker left in your baby’s room.
Soothing Environment: Create the calmest, quietest and most soothing environment for your baby by putting them in soft, tagless, comfortable clothes, dimming the lights, closing the curtains, playing soft music or white noise, removing any distractions like TV and quell any commotion in the home to help minimize the overpowering elements that can overwhelm and overstimulate the baby. This may be a good starting point for attempting other soothing techniques as well.
Sleep: Colicky babies tend to suffer from poor sleep habits. There’s a vicious cycle: the baby exhausts themselves from crying and the more exhausted the baby gets, the more they cry and then they become even harder to soothe. So colic expert Dr. Pamela High, who works at Brown University’s Brown Center for Children at Risk, stresses that colicky babies need solid and balanced sleep, both during the day and night in a dark, peaceful, quiet setting. A baby’s need for sleep evolves as they do. So be mindful of these developmental stages.
Solids: Babies suffering from acid reflux can benefit from the introduction of solid foods as early as 4 months with the supervision of their pediatrician or gastroenterologist. It is recommended that babies with reflux start with foods that are low in acidity such as rice or cereal, avocados, pears, and bananas.
While there is no clear cause for colic, some soothing techniques that ease excessive gassiness, which is a frequent symptom of colic, may help.
Feeding Techniques: The method you use to feed and burp your may also help.
Talk to your doctor: While colic alone is not the medical condition that requires treatment, your pediatrician can suggest over the counter medications and remedies for gas such as Mylicon gas drops, probiotics to help promote intestinal health and homeopathic remedies that can ease bouts of crying.
Here’s Looking at You, Kid: Sometimes it takes looking in the mirror for all of us to see what kind of a hot mess we are, babies included. When a baby sees their own meltdown, it can be enough to shock many out of a crying spell. Just avoid evaluating the state of the baggage claim beneath your own eyes.
The experience of the warmth and touch of your hands in a quiet setting can also provide relief. You can try it yourself, or look into classes which help teach infant massage.
Instructions: In a warm, quiet room, put the baby (wearing only a diaper), on your lap (or safe surface like a couch or changing table). Using baby oil or moisturizing lotion, apply gentle yet firm strokes. Your baby will let you know whether they are in the mood. Wiggling or fussing may be a sign to try it another time, maybe even another time of day.
The editors at Parenting Magazine created the following sequence of infant massage techniques, which can be used in parts or in full, starting with the baby on their back.
Starting with your hands flat on the baby’s chest, stroke up toward the neck, and then downward to his sides.
Using a hand-over-hand motion (like a paddle wheel), stroke him moving from high to low on the abdomen.
Wrap both hands around your baby’s upper thigh, and stroke down toward the ankle and back up to the hip.
Finish by lightly massaging your baby’s neck and shoulders.
Not all comforting techniques work on all babies at all times but it’s important to give them a chance. Babies make take
Babies may take some time to get used to it for the full effect, so you may need to try them more than once before deciding it’s moot.
Avoid forcing the situation over and over in one shot. That’s just frustration and tears for both you and your little one. Try another time.
“But it just worked yesterday!” cry frustrated moms everywhere.
Don’t feel defeated when your go-to soothing technique from yesterday proves useless today. It’s more likely that their symptoms are escalating than any failure on your part.
Try something new or build upon what you found your baby likes best.
While it’s not recommended that you throw the kitchen sink at the baby from day one, once you know what works you can try combining techniques.
For example, combining swaddling, using a pacifier and motion. Or giving a bath, in a dark and quiet room using scented bath products with the white noise of the water.
Don’t get bogged down by dependency fears: Will my baby need a pacifier into childhood? Will we need a white noise machine forever? Will swaddling ruin their chances of going to the Olympics? If you have doubts, talk to your pediatrician. Otherwise, you can worry about those things when your baby has stopped their multiple hours of crying.
While the colic crying alone cannot hurt your healthy baby, the stress of managing colic takes an enormous toll on parents who feel demoralized and incompetent when faced with inconsolable crying. Infants are only in any physical danger when this frustration becomes violent with child abuse and shaken baby syndrome.
The emotional consequences of stress from colic alone have lasting effects on the child’s development and life dissatisfaction of the family years later according to a Finnish Family Competence Study Project by researchers at the University of Turku.
A Canadian study expanded on this in the context of maternal bonding and postpartum depression. They found that while the crying alone is benign, the struggle of dealing with a fussy, crying baby lessens a mother’s ability to cope and their corresponding negative mood state is perceptible to the child which erodes the foundation for a healthy relationship between mother and baby.
Colic is frequently a trigger for postpartum depression. This is in part due to the release of the hormone prolactin, otherwise known as the “Mothering Hormone.”
Prolactin is released at the sound of a baby’s cry and triggers a mother’s urge to pick up and meet the baby’s needs. While no doubt having evolutionary value, when the mother can’t ease the baby’s cries she feels like a failure.
“I think one of the most effective interventions we do — and do as soon as we can — is to in a sense let the mother off the hook. And to say this is something going on in your baby. Not something you did.”
Dr. Lester stresses that parents shouldn’t go through the experience alone before getting some help. Just like the classic flight instructions to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others, to help your baby you need to attend to yourself first.
Gather the Troops: If you have relatives, use them. If you can afford childcare, get it. If you have friends, even if you think they have nothing to offer, call them anyways.
Ask anyone and everyone you know for help, whether they can take care of your baby, cook or clean or provide moral support. This means taking the initiative and letting go of any shame or guilt surrounding having a colicky baby and not being able to take care of everything yourself. Colic or no colic, every mother has been there.
Get Dad Involved: If your partner isn’t already handling the colicky baby alongside you in the trenches, it’s time to get them involved. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone! If they’ve been unavailable, make them allocate time to get involved.
Your partner needs to learn the basics of baby care for when they take over, as well as the soothing techniques for when it comes time for them to tag in during crying spells. Inform them with what you know and face this as a team.
Take a Breather: When the baby is completely inconsolable, you’ve tried absolutely everything, and feel like you’ve been through a meat grinder, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. When you’re confident your baby’s basic needs have been met, put the baby in a safe place like the crib or a swing and take a break. Put in ear plugs or use noise-canceling headphones to lessen the deafening sound if it helps.
While this seems outrageously out of tune with Dr. Sears’ attachment parenting and the need to attend to your baby’s every need, when your baby cannot be soothed, and you’re completely depleted, what you have to offer in that moment is of no value to anyone.
Regroup, take a break, and when you find yourself in better shape, you’ll be of much greater help to your baby and family.
Join the Club: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If only parents could proudly wear “Colic Survivor” t-shirts and get those colored ribbons and rubber bracelets to support colic research! (They should be the bright reddish purple color your baby’s face turns during a crying episode.)
Kidding aside, if 1/5 of babies suffer from colic, one in every five moms is in the same boat. Which means anytime you find ways to be around other moms, the greater the chance you will encounter another mom dealing with the same struggles.
You can ask questions, exchange horror stories and get support from fellow moms online in colic specific forums on Baby Center, What To Expect and many colic support groups you can join on Facebook. You can also talk to your OB/GYN about private therapy and support groups in your area.
Research into colic and excessive crying has found that it can inhibit brain development, depress their immune system, alter the neurochemistry of their developing brain to make them more prone to depression, aggression, impulsivity, violence and emotional detachment, lower their IQ, weaken social skills, impede fine motor skills, prevent abilities to modulate emotions and a sense of independence as a child.
It will also make them turn green, grow tentacles and develop a third eye on the back of their head. Well, maybe not the last three, but in your case maybe none of the above!
All the studies that found that these babies who had disrupted emotional, physical, intellectual, neurological and relationship development were in cases where parents or caretakers ignored and neglected their babies cries.
Every study points to the prolonged, neglected, unattended crying as the source of these problems. Infant developmental specialist, Dr. Michael Lewis concluded that “The single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
Even when soothing techniques don’t appear to comfort your baby, the simple act of responding to their distress and engaging with them while they are crying is helping them immensely in developing a secure attachment.
It may comfort you to know that while the attempts at soothing may not quell the crying spell itself, the building blocks of the relationship between you and your baby are being set, even when it feels imperceptible. This will enable your child to outgrow the distress of their colic in a matter of months.
Just make sure you are in a good mental space to respond. Colic isn’t just a diagnosis for babies; it affects the whole family.
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